Sense II, installment # 20

Sense: Part II (Working title)
Sense Installment # 20 (continued from August 30, 2006)

“I know,” with vigilance I attempt an explanation. What do I say? I’m scared to continue kissing you because it may lead to sex and then maybe I’ll get knocked up and we’ll get married and you’ll have an affair. No way. Instead I settle for a numb,

“It’s not you. It’s me.”

He gives me a patronizing look implying No shit it’s you. It ain’t me.

“I don’t know if I’m ready,” I blurt out.

He looks anxious and bothered.

“It’s just that I really like you and I don’t want to feel as though all this will maybe affect…something,” my words are barely coherent. Idiot.

Pete lacks tact,

“We don’t have to go out.”

In a surge of feelings I feel cheap and tarnished. I immediately become defensive. I could take my chances-what’s wrong with me? I would make a great girlfriend, latched on to his arm walking to the Big Boy’s downtown. What’s wrong with you?

“But don’t you want to go out?” I ask him. My insides an upheaval of a mess-angry feelings bantering with the upset ones, my stomach’s knots being pulled by the nerves and the sweaty palms.

“I like you too. We can just see what happens. And all this helps no?” gesturing the bathroom walls around us and inferring to the make-out session. He makes sense, no? I nod.

A torrid pound on the door rains down.

“Time’s up love birds,” it’s Harry’s voice lurking from behind the door. Hoots and hollers trail his voice. Woosh-the door flies open and we don’t even get a chance to kiss again or make a promise. Instead we walk out, first him, then me.

love in a classroom

That unspoken something follows them into my classroom
Following them this welcome scent of sweaty gym clothes and french fries
If they've never kissed they'll be pleasantly surprised when they do.

The excitement of their eager bodies bustles in the doorway
lingering behind the light fragrance of sweet pea swirled in her hair

Her head bending over a project they are working on
The strands of amber graze his hand
I can see the hairs on his arm stand on end, soldiers at attention

I can't help but smile
and feel old all at once

I look around and wonder if any of the others sense that something, but they are oblivious, preoccupied with boogers and finger nails and the rhyme of "Hermes" with "herpes"

written March 21, 2006

?

Many days I question my profession. I ask if this was the real readon I was placed on this earth. I ponder what my purpose is and if I'll fulfilled it yet. This one particular day my brain was flooded with such thoughts. Picture this, Edison, 2006 in the library of the high school. I'm tutoring these two kids for the HSPA. It's half way through the day and all I can think of is lunch.

right black t shirt
bullet hole on chest
reminds me of the clear stickers people put on their cars
silver chain
head buried in neck
skin touching neck
exhaling breathing is heavy but timely

Left
black but stained colorless spots
stomach pressed up against table spilling on top like a water balloon
glasses in hand
dandruff paited onto lenses
yellow Rowan pen
scars decorate face like a spinkled cupcake
a clump of hair, unwashed and greasy peeks at the top of the head, like mt. everest

INC. from March 19, 2006

Little things that make life.

1- Sunday mornings with nothing to do but eat breakfast, lounge around in my pjs until noon, read the funnies, drink my milk. It's what makes life.
2- Sitting on my deck with a cup of tea, writing in my journal.
3- Laughing. I don't do it nearly as often as I should.
4-Firing a 45 caliber sig sauer. There is nothing like that rush.
5- Putting socks on right out of the dryer--especially after walking barefoot on the cold tile floor.
6- Mr. Pi's in Metuchen. Simply the best sushi there is...clean place too.
7-Sweatshirt weather. Shorts, flip flops and a sweat shirt...like Sunday night. Perfect sweat shirt weather. Sit outside, grill some burgers, drink some wine and wear a sweatshirt.
8-The smell of my fingers after peeling a mandarin. Who needs Bath and Body works.
9-Kelly Clarkson's "Because of you". I will not get sick of that song, no matter how hard I try.
10- Baby oil on my legs after shaving. You don't know what smooth is.

Ballers

When will the fantasizing end and the reality begin? Or is the fantasy truly a reality and what is reality and a knap sack of stress truly the unreal? A little Plato's allegory of the cave? Nah...I'm too tired and my brain hurts like you wouldn't believe. I haven't used my brain this much since June. Aou. And it hurts. It's that and a combination of seasonal allergies, a deviated septum, clenching my jaw from the stress, and straining my eyes ever so much. Sexy, I know. Back to fantasy becoming my reality...
"And I want to thank my Lord, Jesus for that woman that is keeping me kicking...Xapoula. With every breath I exhale her name. How it rolls off my tongue like sugar water. I love you my sweet. Tonight...We make baby soccer players." Ole.

My secrets revealed....

In the same vein of a true catharsis, I feel the need to lay bare before you all that has ever been confidential.

My secrets revealed:
1- I like Nickelback. ( I know. I'm so ashamed. If you can't bear to read on...I understand. It's a filthy secret. I had to get it out in the open. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulder. I do not own an album.)
2- I don't wash my hair every day, and sometimes not every other day. It looks best on day 3.
3- I listen to Yanni when I do work. (even when I don't do work; I like to have him playing in the background. Did you know he is Greek?)
4- I once clogged a school bathroom. The ones that could suck your left butt cheek while you're busy pulling your pants up. Yeah, that was me. I jammed one of those bad boys.
5- As a primary school student, the tv show Charles in Charge got me all excited. Charles was hot and so was that one sister played by Nicole Eggert.
6- "Ms. Lippy's car...is green!" That's right. I'm a Billy Madison fan.
7- I wear an ugly, hockey-playing mouth guard when I go to sleep. "It'sh sho hot. shlurp"
8- My favorite pj bottoms are a pair of Mets event staff boxers I've had since the 10th grade. (I still wear them.)
9- My first vibrator was a gift from a boyfriend who never got to share it with me. How life has a way of working itself out.
10- I can recite The Wizard of Oz. Really. The whole thing. I also know all the words to 2 Pac's "Brenda's got a baby".