Sense II, installment # 19

Sense: Part II (Working title)
Sense Installment # 19 (continued from June 10, 2006)

Despite the wonderful slip of sensibility, I can't help but picture Margarita with him. In lightning speed, a flash if doubt overcomes me. I can'’t help but remember George'’s kiss and am I dreaming or was that really better? I can'’t think because his tongue is overpowering my mouth and I try not to gag. I suppress it out of my mouth and attempt to kiss his lips; it works. His hand is up my shirt, rubbing my back.
Suddenly somehow I feel like I shouldn'’t be doing this. It seems so not right. The part of me that runs my head is saying that. The rest of me is up on him, ready to straddle his chest with mine. I am baffled by all that is going on in and around me. I think I love him, but I don'’t. I think of George, but why. Margarita comes to mind and I picture her humping Mavroskoufi.

All of a sudden I feel this overwhelming desire and guilt combined and rolled into one like a fat bunch of papers ready to swap a fly. He is still kissing me, only now his hand is on my stomach and I fear it will go higher and touch my breasts, the ones that don'’t really exist.

My mind becomes a tumultuous incubus. I picture myself obese, barefoot, hunched over a stove, cooking fried eggs and caring for our five children. Pete is having an affair and the mistress, his ex, picks him up at our house. She is driving a convertible and buys my children expensive toys and chocolates. She wears dark Gucci sunglasses and a black dress that hugs her hips and breasts. I am aged, missing a tooth and spend my days watching soap operas and reading novels with Fabio on the cover. The bottoms of my feet are white, flaky and dry; the toes nails flaming red, the color a hooker might wear.

I stop and step back. He is smiling. I try to do the same. It'’s not working.

"We still have time in here,"” he says.

An updated version of the orignial

From here on out you'll meet a new me. You'll may see me at a party and say to yourself, "Wow, is that really her? She's a new she." You'll see me walking down the halls at work and shrug questioning yourself, "There is something different about that girl. Did she color her hair? Something. She looks...different. Better." I'll let me inhibitions down. I'll fly by the set of my pants. I won't care so much about little things. I'll enjoy the ride. I won't worry so much about the futile things. I'll say exactly what is on my mind; and I mean exactly...no sugar coating from this girl. I'll say "fuck it" more often. I'll "make my move" without a plan. I strive to be more of a daredevil. I will take more chances. I won't be afraid of failure. I'll deal with it if it comes. And even so, what the hell...it won't be the end of the world. I'll get right back in the game. I'll do what I do best. I'll be me. A new and improved. A new 27. 2 version. An amorphous adaptation of the original. A work in progress. If I was a painter I'd go cubist at this stage...show to transformation into something otherwise. Similraly to Picasso's blue period...I'm going through a period of earth toned colors--rich, thick yellow; solid, dark red; vibrant orange; deep rich purples. All scattered, but entwined, circling and swirling around each other. And bigger. I'm talking imposing. I'm going to make a lasting impression.

Ten famous boys I'd...you know

Ten famous guys I'd do
1) Brad Pitt (Legends of what falls? How about legend of my bedroom.)
2) Bon Jovi (I'll help you "Have a nice day" by "lay(ing) my hands on you". You were "born to be my baby")
3) Christiano Rinaldo (Let's see if he can score a goal with me as goalie. Oh who am I kidding. I'm not that competitive.)
4) Justin Timberlake (You don't need to bring sexy back. I've had your sexy all along...right here.)
5) Johnny Depp (Cry baby. Cry for not being with me yet!)
6) Usher (We ARE going to do things "my way")
7) John Travolta (in Grease of course. Ram-alama-ding-dong)
8) Jakob Dylan from the Wallflowers (His papa might have been a rolling stone, but this one ain't rolling anywhere. Once he tries it'll be more like limping)
9) Ray Liota (Not a goodfella till I dub you so in a private ceremony. wink. wink)
10) Dave Matthews (So much to say...let's sweet up and down. You start.)

Fear. Life. The List.

You wake up tomorrow morning with this impending tumor in your brain and you have one day to live. Would you have skipped the turkey bacon and eaten that last piece of greasy, fatty, sweet bacon and say what the heck? What would you do that you wouldn't not have done, had it not been for that squirmy lump on the back of your skull? Can't think of anything? You've done it all? You're taking the risks you should be. I envy you.
But oh you say you have a list you may not be able to complete in one day? Guess what? You're screwed. I'm screwed. I've got that list. The one that at 20 said "To do by 24" Then by 24 the "24" was crossed out and replaced with "25" and now at 27 that same list lingers in my night stand under a journal, an awful lot of pens and letters from my former students. It's close to my night stand? One might say there is some symbolism there...close to where I sleep; still part of my dream. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps it's all just shit. It's making me ill knowing I still have this list. To complete it I'd need to quit my job for a year and circle Europe. Could I do it? Probably. So why not? I'm scared to death. I've got very few flaws (in my eyes anyway), ones that inhibit my way of life. There is one though--fear of the unknown. I am one who enjoys consistency and stability. I've been known to have my "crazy" moments, but nothing that would be out of my control. Oops, there's another characteristical blemish- control. I need to have it at all times. I wish I could be laid back and just let things roll. How do those people do it? And you wonder why I avoid caffeine? Geez, see me after a cop of coffee and you'd think I was a guerilla fighter attempting to destroy foreign powers- calculated and intense. So I avoid caffeine and I am still an imposing force. I've got something to prove. I should take up smoking weed; maybe that will assuage the tension.
It's easy to read all those inspirational quotes--If you haven't failed, you haven't taken enough chances (I'm paraphrasing here.).
Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward.
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, but to create something that will.
I shake my head and say -"They're right. They're absolutely right. I should do something about this...this list, this dream, the goals. I'll do it, but after the pay check coming up, or after Christmas, by that time I'll quit after spring break so I can cash in on that week off, hell, the year is almost over. I can suck it up until June." And so I'm stuck. I'm an unconscionable wimp.
I'm hoping I can build up some courage to cross of one thing off of my list by the end of 2006. Only a few years late.

The new love of my life

I have found my other half. I knew he was out there. Christiano Ronaldo is my certified hottie. Oh man. Not an ounce of fat...he's got that chiseled stomach, that path of a pelvis leading to heaven on earth. The ice on his ear? I'd be able to make it melt. See you in my dreams baby.

My Top Eleven Best...

Top Ten Best (Absolutely Selfish) Feelings in the World! (in no particular order and no pics for all either)

1- Eating seafood...octopus, calamari, clams, and drinking Pinot and this amazing little restaurant right ON the water in Greece.

2- It's hot outside. Steamy and humid. I've been working hard pulling weeds and I take a break. I dig in your freezer and take out an ice pop, preferably red, white and blue. That first taste of that red part of the pop, it sticks to my tongue if it's too cold.











3- Drinking with my muskateers. We do the drinks, the little drinks, we get a good drunk on.











4- Sweaty, dirty, tired, full, achy feet, heart overworked from being at an amusement park. It's not a day until there is a visit to El Toro (f-ing best coaster ever!!) and eat some ice cream or a churro...yum.

5- Writing something I didn't know I had in me. And then realizing it was there all along. Understanding myself better because of it. (see blog)

6-Eating breakfast--2 eggs, sunny side up, bacon (real mothaf-ing bacon, none of this turkey crap), tater tots w /ketchup, toasted English muffin, large glass of ice cold milk (out with my food please)--on the deck in the back, reading a magazine or book, around 9:30 am, it's cool and breezy and not too hot yet. It's so simple and makes me so happy.

7-Growing tomatoes in my own yard. These cherry tomatoes that perk up and ripen, three-four a day. Enjoying the tomatoes, just a rinse of cold water and eating them with such gratification and pride. (come over and you can try them)

8-Waking up the day after school closes, knowing I have the summer off. Seems so distant now. (believe me, you don't want to see me in the AM)

9- Getting into a hot bathtub full of bubbles when it's chilly out; then getting out and wrapping myself in an oversized plush cotton towel. (wouldn't you just love a photo of that)

10-Mile marker 62.6 on the Turnpike. That's where I peed after holding it in for way too long. (sorry didn't take a picture of that)

11-Great sex- multiple orgasms- (definitely no picture for this either) Then drinking ice water when it's all over.

Back to school blues coming my way...

9 days left and I am suffering serious bouts of depression that extend themselves into my dream world. Like the other night I dreamt that this random teacher asked me to hold his kid and protect some secrets from the CIA. Then of course the recurring one I've had since year 1 of teaching- students going mad, throwing themselves out the windows and trash-talking to me. I'm waking up with that locking of the jaw I got a while back when I was stressed. So I'm clenching my jaw and the headaches are returning from holiday as well.
I spent so much of August pissed off at KLM for losing my suitcase that I haven't enjoyed my time off. I never used my time wisely; instead I putzed and mopped. The new subjects I'm teaching in a week- no clue what I'm doing the first day of real teaching; after all the ice breakers. Granted I have over a week to figure it all out, but when do you honestly think that will happen? Two nights before. Yes, you are correct.

The highlights of my trip.

I remember why I don't mind so much living so far away from the whole family. Sure it gets lonely during the holidays, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel good to be able to live a drama-reduced life away from aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins, cousins of cousins and their neighbor's friends.
I came back more tired than when I left for my vacation. Oh and did I mention fucking KLM lost my suitcase. Yeah they're on my ultimate shit list for eternity. So since July 22nd I have had NO summer wardrobe. Oh I'm not bitter. Not at all. Not after they lied to me for a week and told me my luggage was in Amsterdam (it wasn't). Not after some fuck-wad that works at JFK gave me the name "Jeff Collins" and when I spoke to a manager and mentioned this helpful fellow (really, "Jeff" was helpful) he said no one by that name worked for them. Yeah so I wasn't pissed at the lies or at NO phone calls or even that no one apologized until about 3 week later when we called some Northwest office in Minnesota. Yeah all that- not pissed off about the irresponsibility and the nonchalant attitude, total apathy and lack of concern or care about their customer. So that topped my trip off with a nice big red fucking cherry. But seriously guys, I'm not being honest with you. Allow me to really open up.
My highlights in order or value, importance and relevance:

My yiayia. The spunkiest yiayia this side of the Pentadaktilos Mountain Range.I love this woman. She made the best halloumi in the world! No one will ever top it. Speaking of halloumi...




The most precious commodity known to dairy lovers anywhere. Halloumi. Never had it? Don't die until you do. It's the best. But you have to get the "horiatiko"...you know the village kind. It's made from sheep or goat milk; none of this cow milk. It's harder than regular halloumi, but the texture and the taste...hmm. Precious white gold.

Ellada mou

Ellada, patrida, thriskia, oikogenia. It's a feeling I will never be able to put into words. It's almost like a part of me was home. It's hearing your language everywhere and people that resemble you walking in the streets. It's about the culture and the spirit. It's amazing.