Fear. Life. The List.

You wake up tomorrow morning with this impending tumor in your brain and you have one day to live. Would you have skipped the turkey bacon and eaten that last piece of greasy, fatty, sweet bacon and say what the heck? What would you do that you wouldn't not have done, had it not been for that squirmy lump on the back of your skull? Can't think of anything? You've done it all? You're taking the risks you should be. I envy you.
But oh you say you have a list you may not be able to complete in one day? Guess what? You're screwed. I'm screwed. I've got that list. The one that at 20 said "To do by 24" Then by 24 the "24" was crossed out and replaced with "25" and now at 27 that same list lingers in my night stand under a journal, an awful lot of pens and letters from my former students. It's close to my night stand? One might say there is some symbolism there...close to where I sleep; still part of my dream. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps it's all just shit. It's making me ill knowing I still have this list. To complete it I'd need to quit my job for a year and circle Europe. Could I do it? Probably. So why not? I'm scared to death. I've got very few flaws (in my eyes anyway), ones that inhibit my way of life. There is one though--fear of the unknown. I am one who enjoys consistency and stability. I've been known to have my "crazy" moments, but nothing that would be out of my control. Oops, there's another characteristical blemish- control. I need to have it at all times. I wish I could be laid back and just let things roll. How do those people do it? And you wonder why I avoid caffeine? Geez, see me after a cop of coffee and you'd think I was a guerilla fighter attempting to destroy foreign powers- calculated and intense. So I avoid caffeine and I am still an imposing force. I've got something to prove. I should take up smoking weed; maybe that will assuage the tension.
It's easy to read all those inspirational quotes--If you haven't failed, you haven't taken enough chances (I'm paraphrasing here.).
Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward.
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, but to create something that will.
I shake my head and say -"They're right. They're absolutely right. I should do something about this...this list, this dream, the goals. I'll do it, but after the pay check coming up, or after Christmas, by that time I'll quit after spring break so I can cash in on that week off, hell, the year is almost over. I can suck it up until June." And so I'm stuck. I'm an unconscionable wimp.
I'm hoping I can build up some courage to cross of one thing off of my list by the end of 2006. Only a few years late.